I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
