I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
