I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
