...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
