I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
