i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
