I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
