remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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