White coat. Heels.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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