I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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