He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
