Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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