dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
