She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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