too bad you live with your parents still
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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