It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
