I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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