I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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