She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
