she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
