So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
