the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
