I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
