it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We're too hungover to prance.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
