Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drunk is not a location!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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