How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
