Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it glows. i had to have it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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