M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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