Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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