The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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