apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
