i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
