Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
