I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
