Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
