that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
