so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
