just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
