So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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