i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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