I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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