I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
