I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
