Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
