not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
