I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
