I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
