Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
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Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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