I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
