You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Text me some of your sweat
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
