and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You are a genius and a whore.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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