I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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