Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just high enough for therapy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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