By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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