Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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