i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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