It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
