Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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