My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
