My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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