People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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