Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
