I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
