So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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