I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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